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Jokes 
What did the chewing gum say to the shoe?
I'm stuck on you
What did the the silly comedian bake on his day off?
Cornbread
What is black and white and pink all over?
An embarrassed zebra!
Question and answer
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Answering machine message 86
Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're going about it all wrong, so we certainly can't help you. If you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.
Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
There are no dogs allowed here
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dimitri!
Dimitri who?
Dimitri is where the burgers grow!
Clinton one-liner
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
Knock, knock!
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Howl
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point !
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon !
Well sit still and don't stir !

 

Brittney Spears is retiring to Maui, Hawaii!!!
Brittney Spears is retiring to Maui, Hawaii!!!
APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
What does a spider do when he gets angry?
What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall!
4 girls
There are 4 girls who are invited to a party. 1 girl says that "my husband has black hair so i will wear a black dress".The 2 girl says" my husband has blonde hair so i will wear a blonde dress [yellow] . The 3 one says that "my husband has brown hair so i will wear a brown dress". the last one says that"i will wear no clothes because my husband is bald!"
What stars ware glasses?

What stars ware glasses?

Answer: Film Stars

What has eyes but cannot see?

What has eyes but cannot see?

A Potato.

This guy went to school

This guy went to school and he asked
"May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's."
The guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
The teacher asked "Where's the p?
He replied, " running down my leg!"

There was a man
There was a man who wanted to prove his love to his wife. So he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean and walked the biggest desert.
What do you think his wife said?
There was a man who bought a hamster
There was a man who bought a hamster into the vets.
He said to the vet "he won't move."
The vet replied "he's dead!."
The man said, "No, I don't believe you"
So the vet brought a Labrador dog in but he shook his head.
The man still didn't believe the vet, so he brought a cat in. The cat shook his head
"See I told you" said the vet ."Well that's $250"
The man said "$250!"
The vet said "Yes, you had a lab report and a cat scan."

 

Doctor! doctor!
Doctor! doctor! I think I need glasses,
I think you do mate because this isn't a doctors it's a fish and chip shop
Teacher: Where's your homework?
Teacher: Where's your homework?
Boy: I made it in to a paper plane and someone hijacked it!

 

Sarah and Simon

Sarah and Simon were arguing over the breakfast table.
"You're so stupid," said Simon.
"Thats enough" said their dad, "Simon, say sorry to Sarah.
Simon replied "I'm sorry your'e so stupid!".

Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out?

Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out?

Yes, over there- the same way that you came in!

Doctor doctor I've swallowed my pen
Patient: Doctor doctor I've swallowed my pen
Doctor:
Hmmm how are you coping so far
Patient: I'm using a pencil
There are two cats and thay had a race
There are two cats and thay had a race against
each other one cat was called 123 and the other
cat was called une duex trois what cat won?
There is a guy who

 There is a guy who lives in a one story house. Everything in his house is pink. The lamp is pink, the bed is pink, the television is pink, the computer is pink, the mirror is pink, the kitchen is pink, the windows are pink, even the plants are pink. What color are the stairs?

There are no stairs, Its an One Story House.

There were 3 pieces of
There were 3 pieces of string in a bar. The 1st piece of string went up to the barman and asked "can I have a pint of beer?" and the barman said "NO! We dont serve pieces of string at this bar." So the 2nd piece of string went up to the barman and asked "can I have a pint of beer?" and the barman said "NO!! we dont serve pieces of string in this bar."so the 3rd piece of string went into the toilet,tied himself in a knot,frayed his hair down and went back out. He went up to the barman and asked "can i have a pint of beer?" and the barman asked "are you a piece of string?" and the 3rd piece of string said "no mate I'm afraid not!"
A little girl goes

A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear. She says to the doctor, "I don't feel good."

The doctor replies, "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half days
Teacher: Class, we will have only half days school this morning.
Class:
Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon
Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher:
Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!
Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!
TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round
  TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil   : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !
TEACHER : What shape is the world in?
TEACHER : What shape is the world in?
Pupil   : Rotten !
TEACHER : Why does you geography

 TEACHER : Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it.
Pupil   : It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon

instead !

TEACHER :What's you name ?
TEACHER :What's you name ?
Class   : Ravi
TEACHER  : You should say "Sir"
Pupil   : OK, Sir Ravi !
TEACHER : I want you to tell
TEACHER  : I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil   : Life imprisonment !
TEACHER : Name four members of the cat family
TEACHER : Name four members of the cat family
Pupil   : Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !
TEACHER : What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?
TEACHER : What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?
Pupil   : Australia, you can see the Moon at night !
TEACHER : Ravi, can you find me
TEACHER : Ravi, can you find me Australia on the map please ?
Pupil   :There it is
TEACHER : Now, Ravi, who discovered Australia ?
Pupil   :
I did !
TEACHER :What kind of birds do you find in captivity?
TEACHER :What kind of birds do you find in captivity?
Pupil   : Jailbirds !
TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil   :Mice
TEACHER : Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
Pupil   : Twins !
TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil   : Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !
TEACHER :I despair, Ravi
TEACHER :: I despair, Ravi, how do you manage to get so many things wrong in a day ?
Pupil   : Because I always get here early sir !
What do we do with crude oil ?
TEACHER : What do we do with crude oil ?
   Pupil   : Teach it some manners !
Why did the knight
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armour !
When a teacher closes his eyes
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
When a teacher closes his eyes
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
If there are ten cats
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
None, they were all copycats!
Are you good at math?
Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!
How do you spell
How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters?
 ICE!
Why was the students report card all wet?
Why was the students report card all wet?
 Because it was below C ( sea ) level.
Why did Ravi take a ruler to bed?
Why did Ravi take a ruler to bed?
 Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
Why did the class clown
Why did the class clown give a dog biscuit to Reeta?
 Because he heard she was the teacher's pet!

 

Why did the teacher
Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
 He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Why did the teacher
Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
 He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Why were the teacher's
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
 She couldn't control her pupils! 
Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
 Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !
How did the moron try to kill a fish?
How did the moron try to kill a fish?
 He tried to drown it in the sea.
What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
 Pull the pin and throw it back at him .
Why did the moron
Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
 Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".
Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
 Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.
Raabert: Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Raabert: Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi dega, aur oxygen ise marne nahi dega.
Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Peter! Is  ko super-conductor me daal do, saala bus mein ticket dete-dete thak jayega
Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Peter! Is  ko super-conductor me daal do, saala bus mein ticket dete-dete thak jayega
Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat.
Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole and water starts coming inside. Raabert is worried !
Raabert: Boss ab kya hoga ??
Ajeet: Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me OUT likh do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chale jayega !!
Scene: Raabert had triplet
Scene: Raabert had triplet and comes to the "Boss".....
Raabert: Boss, mera teen bachche ka keya naam shoche hein aap?
Ajeet: Ek Naam rakhkho, Peter, Repeater aur Wang Chung.
Raabert: Teesra ka naam "Wang Chung" kiu boss???!!!
Ajeet: Beokuf, tumhe malum nehi...is prithwi me paida hone waalaa har teesra bachcha Chinese hota hai.
Scene: Ajeet get's hold
Scene: Ajeet get's hold of his favourite hero & then directs his chela.
Ajeet: Maikal, Is ke ek haath mein laal aur doosre haath mein hara rang laga do.
Maikal: Lekin kyon baas?
Ajeet: Bewakoof, itnaa bhi nahin jaanta? Jab pulice yehaan aayegi to ise range haathon pakad legi. he he he....
Scene: Raabert and Ajeet go for shikar...
Scene: Raabert and Ajeet go for shikar...Raabert spots a peacock...
Raabert: Boss....more.. more...
Ajeet picks up the peacock, shoots it and says... Nomore !
Peter: bass yeh aadmi
Peter: bass yeh aadmi to kuchh boal hee nahin rahaa...
Ajeet: Ise revolving chair pe bitha do, pataa to lage chakkar kya hai
Ajeet: Mona, tum Toni
Ajeet: Mona, tum Toni se shaadi mat karnaa, bahut mona-toni ho jaegi.
Ajeet: Raabert, dayna (Diana) ko kuch khatta pila do. Robert: kyu boss ?
Ajeet: Bewkoof, woh dayna se daynasour ho jayegi, phir extinct kar dena

Scene: Ajeet spots one of his is enemies...
Scene: Ajeet spots one of his is enemies...
Ajeet: Maikal (Michael), woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa hai, woh hamara mehman hai. Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir woh do ghadi ka mehman ho jayega !

Scene: Ajeet is escaping with his men in a helicopter...
Scene: Ajeet is escaping with his men in a helicopter...
Ajeet: Kuch hee der mein hamara helicopter hindustan ki sarhadon ke pare door Birmingham mein hoga. Wahaan tumhe ek kaale rang ki sioorlett (cheverlett) nazar aayegi. Wo tumhe signal degee...on..off..on..off
Raabert : Boss..hamara signal kya hoga ?
Raabert : Boss..hamara signal kya hoga ?
Ajeet : bewkoof...off..on..off..on... .

The Cow:
"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child. He is same likeGod,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together.Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species.Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side.This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

"This is the cow."

 
Useful Information
Learn in a way that suits you

Why are skills so valuable?

Improving your skills

How to find a good teacher

Learn together

 
Famous Personality
Two students of the first Muslim school in Bombay, British India, contributed to Muslims in a major way. The first was a brilliant barrister, Mohammad Ali Jinnah, the founder of Pakistan nation, also known as Quaid e Azam. The second was Abdullah Yusuf Ali whose translation of the Quran is the most used English translation of the Quran in the world.
 
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